I don't have the mood to blog. I am a failure, yeah right. But however, I'm not giving up in trying. I have to move on and work even harder. Linda, look at the brighter side of life. Friends are there for me and so does my family. But I don't know how to set my own time. I am stupid when comes to time management. Serious. I tend to push aside those important things and do those unnecessary things. I think it's not even balance, you see. Instead of reading story book, can I read dictionary so that every single new big words that teacher speaks, I could understand it even better? Haha. No, I'm just kidding. Tell me who's on earth is going to read dictionary for goodness sake? Errr. Definitely, no to me eventhough it helps cause if I'm at the middle of the pages, I've already fall asleep.

But the main thing is, I want to buck up during this June holidays and do my best. I want to improve and get good grades that I'm supposed to get it. Earn it and you'll have it, rightttttt. Think positive, positive, positive, linda!

Hawa and Crik and TIC ;
I'm sorry that I can't attend to dance practice yesterday & today. I've got to go somewhere and I have to take care of my niece. Yes, its a last minute plan & I'm really sorry for not attending for two days straight. I don't lie, I swear its true. I miss you & I miss dancing. Will be coming soon (:

People usually said, life is easy but it has never be for me. I failed four subjects in total and that's really bad. It's my first time to failed four subjects & I cried badly just now. Those are unexpected marks & I don't deserved to get those kinds of marks. I did work hard but it does not paid off. So what's the use of having tuition 2 times per week if I keep on failing? What's the use? I know I shouldn't give up but I've been trying so hard to made my family proud of me, but with those kinds of results, I'll only could give them GIVING me shits faces. Mum nagged at me just now after I got back from Shidah's house.

June holidays will be packed with plans. Dance, Angklung, Tuition. Yes, tuition. I'm having tuition for pathetic one and half hours when I should have enjoy my holidays! But its fine with me cause I'll learn new chapters and I will have more homeworks and will be busy. But never, to clashed with my dance. And, thank god, I don't have to attend any camps. Be it OBS or leadership or whatever camps that will have on June holidays. I'm freeeeeeeeee. So babies, let's hit the beach. I can't be staying at home for one month straight right. Like as if I don't have a life.

But, I've been grounded, almost, or did I? I don't know & I don't want to know. What I know is I must stay awake and never asleep. (should know what i mean.) I am watching Hantu Ambulance and its quite boring. Ada suzanna tapi tak seram buat aper seh.

Sadly, I have to attend to Parents meeting this 3 June. Pathetic -.-

Labels: life

Tomorrow is last day of school & you people should enjoy your holidays to the fullest. Goodbye, have a nice day.

This feelings is killing me. Tell me what's wrong with me? I'm such an idiot. I've did something wrong (maybe) and in the end, I didn't even know what I've did wrong. I am no longer friendly and I don't smile at people like what I usually did. Yes, at first, I got so tempted but when its already infront/near me, the temptations seems to fade. Huh, I'm weird. Yes I am. I don't know what I really want in life cause things around me make things complicated and its hard for me to choose what I want to do. I'm tired in trying, I'm tired with failing. I want to try my best and success to get what I want. But believe in my words, it will never be. The moment I want to start trying, there must be something that hurt me and made weak that I give up in trying. Only my bestfriends knows. I am really really sad. Sometimes, I'm stress up due to thinking about how should I get closer to everyone around me and be friendly and be the old me and never made anyone to HATE me and never to made anyone critisized me and never to made anyone talk shits about me. How? Instead of giving me headace, might as well give me some motivation talks so that I can changed to the better right.

I don't have much things to say. This post is to express out my feelings. My blog my say. Words that can describe what I feel now is, I am very sad. I don't know what I should do now. I feel so useless. I have nothing in me. No one likes me. Even the one that I love. Am I right? I don't care so much about this. The matter is, I want everyone to love me FAIRLY. I don't want anyone to hold on ANY GRUDGES on me cause when it comes to conflicts, it'll be the hardest things on earth that I must solved. Eh, korang suka eh conflicts? korang suka ehk gaduh? dah tak ada keje kepe nak buat? aku dah diam, buat bodoh, kau pulak nak step besar dekat sane sini. ingat ehk, kau tak ada apa apa point yang boleh mati kan aku tau. cause aku ada banyak point boleh matikan kau. And, I'm not being one fanatic idiot girl over here. But I wanna to state clearly here. Cause berbual tak guna sebab ada orang back up. so tak best uh, orang lain tolong. boring kan. baik bace, terasa sendiri, marah sendiri. lepas tu kalau tak puas hati, main jeling-jeling. mak ai, budak kecik primary school punya game. tak main uh, boring je. jeling dapat apa, kasi muka buruk je. Hahahaha. Okay, I've talk alot so I shall end this post now. With a pathetic smile.

I don't seems to understand what I've been doing & I guess same as you. I am very confused with myself. I don't understand why people are expecting the best from me when they know I've got nothing. And just so you know, by seeing you, be it mad,sad,happy,dissapointed,or whatever feelings you have that made kinds of expressions, you still made me happy. But now, I'm jealous. So tell me, what you've did to me? Hahaha.

I am tired to try but not to give up.
Tired, lazy = give up.

Yesterday was Hawa BJ's birthday. At first, me & the juniors and nurul had some discussion on how to made a surprise birthday party for Hawa BJ. Since I could not produce any sound, I whisper. We plan and plan and plan and plan, the next day, the plan that we've planned didn't go out like what we've planned last night. Everything went haywire at the moment when we're finding cake. None of them caught our attention and some of them costs us nearly 20 bucks. Our budget are not there so we bought the cake at our average price and move on to my home cause I wanna get change and same goes as the juniors who were with me.

After that, I smsed Crik that we've already bought cake for Hawa BJ & he called me immidiately and tell us to meet at Dome Bulat. I told the juniors that we'll be going there and they get so excited. Once we wanted to get off from the bus, I saw ahmad. Since I've got no voice, he didn't hear me until I shout his name and he turn. We gathered for a moment & then we just remember that we didn't bring paper plates & tell me how are we going to eat without a paper plate? Me & nurul call up farrah & ask whether she have paper plates. But she gave us plastic plates.

Once we reached there, Hawa BJ was standing but she look at the other position. Thank god, we're safe. If she turns around, she would have already saw us. And Crik met us at the void deck and go to other places cause Hawa BJ went to shop with Warda (i think). So we have to wait for them to come back from shop. Once she reached, Crik light up the candles and we run over to the dome and hid ourself behind the walls. And then, we light up the candles again. Sadli told us to walk cause Crik was talking to Hawa BJ and we walk behind her back & Crik ask Hawa BJ to turn and there, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Hahahahaha. (if you can't understand what i'm talking, don't read cause i suck at story telling.) Hawa BJ went speechless. Hahahahahah :) After that cut the cake & photo-taking. Will upload the pictures soon ^.^

Ah. Hawa BJ got pranked with our wrapping papers! Hahahahahahaha. I love you Hawa BJ.

Four more days to Hawa BJ's birthday & I'm really looking forward for the day! But sad thing, I can't even talk but I hope I'm able to get my original voice back on 27th may. So pray hard for me that I will get back the voice okay? I love you.

Labels: BJ'S BIRTHDAY......

Labels: no voice.

Labels: Hurt.

I had fun playing Monopoly with Nurul, Hawa BJ & Crik on Saturday. Yesterday, I went to my cousin's house at Johore. Since it's his birthday and he make some makan makan, I had to go since my sister pester me to go badly. I did but I used up 45 minutes to find my bloddy hell passport. It went missing & I almost give up. And then, I continue searching & at last, I found it. I went to have a short bathe & wear whatever that have in my wardrobe. Meet my sister and off to Johore. Went back home at 1.19 am & I didn't realised it's already morning cause I thought its only 10 plus or something.

I had great time talking with my cousin, Fatin. Heh, we talk alot right babe? Hehehe. Anyway, today is sunday. So basically, we, family did not go anywhere. Brother thought of going Beach Road to eat but unfortunately, we have to wait after Magrib. After that he changed his mind. He'll go with my first brother & we'll eat at home together :) Woaaa, lagi shiok kan? Hehehe.

Monday, Dance practice :)

I did badly for my Mathematics paper & as well for Art. I didn't know that with pathetic drawings that I've draw could actually scored quite high huh? But still, I failed. I have yet to get other subjects paper but hopefully, I did my best :] Though I didn't make my family proud of me but, I will never give up to try again. I know that one day, I can make them proud & never to let them think that I can't do it. :]

I am still dissapointed with someone. I think I have to move on & my decision is final.

I am fucking dissapointed with you!

You're not the one that I know.
You're different now, totally.
You're not being yourself infront of me.
You're not the friendly guy that I know.
You're not the one that I thought you are.
You're not the old one but infact,
You've changed into a new someone.
And someone whom I don't wish to have in my life.
Somehow, I feel regretted that I like you.

Okay fine, since you're doing this to me.
I'm gonna changed myself to the WORST just for you.
I won't be the one that you know.
I will be different & definitely, it's not me.
I won't be friendly to you.
I will never be myself infront of you.
I won't be friendly to you.
I won't be the one that you've thought of.
I won't be the old one but I will made an effort to changed.
I will turned myself into a new one.
And someone that you don't wished to have in you life.
And you'll feel regret to have a friend like me.
But hey, don't worry.
I won't turned into a bitch, for sure.

I've faith in you. I've got confident in you.
And I believed that we can go far than this.
I always thought that you're the one that I dream of.
I believed that we can be more than a friend.
But to see you in this way, all my thoughts fade away.
I've got no more confident in you & that's it.
I'm going to find a way to forget you. -.-
so pray hard for me that I can forget you in a week time.
Eh, I'm doing this for real. I'm not jokking nor kidding.
I don't have the anymore to joke around.

I am so tired to tolerate this nonsense.
I am so lazy to know about you, anymore.
I've got no confident that you're sincere to be my friend.
But, I wanna thanked you thanks for being there to fill in my empty spaces.
And I wanna tell you that, you're the only one that can make me happy.
But for now, I don't think you are.
I am sorry.
I think I hate you now.
Go & find yourself a replacement of me cause,
I won't be there if you need entertainment.
I will never turn back myself & look at you.
Even if you ar 2034956780493-2 times better than now.

I am so dissapointed.
I feel like I wanted to cry.
But to think back again, I've cried a lot of times for you.
Who do you think you are? You're useless guy, you know?
Even my friend said so. But I believe in myself that you're not
and you'll never be.
cause I know you better than them.
But, I'm sorry, I have to move on.
I gave up.
Can I sleep & not wake up?
Or....
Can I skipped school for the rest of my life?
I can't handle this.
It's too hurtful.

Laugh at me as hard as you can.
You did not know me well.
If you think I'm the worst girl ever,
don't be too confident.
Cause you might be the worst ever someone.
Who talk bad things about people.
Whatever it is, don't think about yourself.
There are many people around you that you need to think OF.

you've changed & I'm totally dissapointed. I am so tired to tolerate this.
I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's skip this part.
Note this : I am not going to turn back & look at you. I am moving on.

Labels: yay.

Yesterday, me & nurull is so random to open up our Youth Day Performance songs. We had a hard time thinking back our steps but in the end, we managed to get it and dance happily. I miss Youth Day but I wouldn't want to dance in school ever again cause due to some reason which you people should know. -.-

I skipped school today cause I am very tired. I missed the workshop today & I heard from Farhana that the ending part was so saddening that made them cry. Haiyaaaaaaaa! Even if I were there, I can't cry cause I cannot come out any tears anymore. Heh. For now, I'm fed up + happy + sad + dissapointed = I don't know what kind of feelings is this. Hey, you know I dream that I got my Denim Jacket yesterday. Frankly, I don't think it was me in my dream cause I look so different. Hah, so, what does the dreams trying to tell me? Someone got the Denim Jacket that I want? Heh. :S

I don't know what is going yesterday cause I can't recall everything.

So basically, the previous post is what I did in school for today. Now, the second post would be what I've did just now when I'm out with my mom, my sister, my maid & my two cute niece. Yeah, from school, I had to rushed off to home cause I'll be going over to my cousin's house to give back her dulang or whatever you call it. I had a short bath & I didn't dressed up nicely cause mom said after we went to our cousin's house, we'll be going home straight after that. So, I wear casual. (Long sleeves, jeans & my nike slipper)

Not to waste time, we cabbed to my cousin's house. When we were on the way there, I feel a bit drowsy and feel like vomitting inside the cab but I just hold on it & try to catch some sleep while listening to my handphone's song. But I can't get to sleep cause I was thinking about something. Yes, something is bothering me, badly. So, I listened to my handphone's song and keep on repeating those jiwangs songs all over again. Roughly around 20 minutes, we reached my aunty's house. We talk, drink, eat, laugh, everything and went off at 5 plus. We were so fikle minded and thinking where should we go at this point of time. Since my sister is craving for Murtabak badly, we headed to Arab streets and had dinner over there. Before that, we made a few rounds and look for some materials for this upcoming Hari Raya.

Nothing caught our eyes so we made our way to Zam Zam restaurant and went up to find a place to seat. We ordered and we eat happily. Well, with Aqilah so the place would be so kecoh with her shouting and stuff. But when this chinese girl came & seat, Aqilah was shouting loudly cause I keep disturbing her. You should know kids right? Yeah, she should be understanding cause Aqilah is just 2 years old and tell me how should we tell Aqilah to lower down her voice? If you can, give me suggestion how? Ah, I really hate this part cause she was giving us one kind of look. And I look at her back. Suddenly, my sister said this.

Sis : Aqilah, don't shout. People don't like.
Me : People don't like but Aqilah like, Right? If they don't like noisy places, go library ah.
Both of us : Giggle...

Serious. She's getting on our nerves by giving us that kind of face. I'm not being racist but, who wouldn't get pissed off? Even if you were in place, you'll get pissed off right? After our dinner, we headed to Bugis Junctions cause I wanna have some rounds before we went home. We did walk around & look at things but when we were on the way home, there's this DENIM jacket really caught my eyes! I begged sister to get me but she ignored me. I was so dissapointed but understand understood. I love to ask my sister unnecessary things. Haiya, should get it next time. Should save up money! So I can buy things using my own money (: Oh, the whole day, I am being so crazy & I made my mom & my sister laugh. And I'm happy. I love today eventhough it sucks cause I didn't get that DENIM jacket.

In the cab, I didn't talk to sister and give her pathetic faces. At home, I didn't talk to her that much which usually I talk to her a lot when we're in the room. Until now, I didn't talk much with her. I know, childish. But too dissapointing ah. But even worst is my brother! He said, I wanted to buy that DENIM jacket is because I wanted to follow *someone's* style right. But no, I just want to try out something different. It's hurt right when your own brother say such things to you. I am dissapointed, really. Haisssssssss :'(

Right now, I've yet to get my exam papers back! Tomorrow, will be meeting the rest & I'm sure I'll be so happy tomorrow, extremely happy! Good! So that I won't think about that DENIM jacket anymore. Sister, hopefully you'll get me one some day. Hehh. I love that jacket so much :[

Labels: sorry if i've got bad engggg.

I really had fun today. Most of the time I did during the workshop is, laugh my ass off. I think the workshop really helps me alot in a way of not to think negative about ourself & accept for who we are. I am really contented enough with what I have with me, now. Most importantly, thank god, I'm still alive & able to see. (feeling eh.)

Three things that I wanted to improve on myself.
- To think Positive.
- To accept what I am.
- Never to think about myself only.

I still got friends around me that I need to think of. Sometimes, I feel that I'm not an understanding friends. I do things on my own without thinking about my friend's opinion whether they like it or not. So, I wouldn't want to keep this habit going. It sucks. I want the old me back cus I really missed the way I am before. The way I speak, the way I do things & all. But unfortunately, I can't cus I can't even turn back the time. (:

I don't know why I feel so lonely without you. (DRAMA!)

Labels: sungguh boring.

I love you & I need you to understand what's going on. So, all of you should know why I gave stupid faces & I'm not dancing with confident just now. This is what happened people. I'm sad. I don't know what I should do :'(

Today, I had Art exams. I think I've did my best but I don't know if the teacher thinks I am but I know, I've give my best for those drawings. But, at the middle of the part, I changed the basket colour into light brown cus the sharpener is with Farrah. How come its with Farrah? Ms A bring it over to her place without even thinking if I need to use it. So due to that, I didn't get to colour my basket nicely cus I have to change the colour which look like shit. Nevermind, it's okay. Sacrifice for a friend.

Afterwhich, had prawn noodles at the canteen. Chit chat & look around & smile here and there. I'm always like that. I love to smile at everyone even someone who I did not know. Really, but sometimes ah. If I'm not in a good mood, I won't be doing it. I will keep the smile to myself & ignore everyone. Pretend that everyone does not exist in my life. perangai, teruk sak! Hehehe. But I did not managed to smile at all person cus lame-lame senyum terus malu2 ah. Funny right. Hey, I'm weird. You know? Eh, today I didn't saw that girl & I'm so happy but upon hearing some stories, happy terus dah tkde, sikit jer. Relex.. Sometimes, people who is shy to smile look cute too :)

Tomorrow will be the last paper for midyear exams. *hoorayyyy hoorayyy* gerek or what?! Tomorrow will be CPA theory. But I don't know based on what chapters. Should be one - three ah. Yeah, after that can happy happy. Can go out & have fun. Can dance here and there. Can smile here and there. Hehhhhhhhh, yeayyyy. Oh yes, I've yet to study CPA. My book is at my room & I'm lazy to bring it over to my living room. Malas gile ah. Can I study at night? :) Otak kau, malam aper seh masuk otak?? Can lah. Eh, should I study my sec two CPA? Yes or no ah. I don't know ah.

I just notice that whenever I blog-hopped to people's blog, nowadays people are so emoticonal (including me). Why ah? I don't know why. I'm emoticonal cus there are too many hurtful things happened to me. That's why I can't take it & I cry. But sometimes, I wonder, why am I not strong enough to overcome with all this. I'm so weak. I cry on small things but yet, it still hurtful. :'( It happened to me a lot of times but I just endure & pretend like there's nothing happened. Whatever that I've see with my own EYES, I won't look back and walk forward. Sometimes, people like to make me jealous. Serious ah. Habit already, what to do? Favourite per dier kasi org jealous. Hahaha.

What you did to her & she did to you & both of you do together really hurts me. It affects me badly. I can't move on, seriously. MFBT or what?

I AM SORRY BUT I THINK I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE CAUSE YOU'RE CHANGING TO THE WORST. I DON'T EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN. I CAN'T HELP BUT TO CRY TO SEE THE CHANGES THAT YOU'VE MADE. AND WORST, I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS CHANGES WITH WHAT PEOPLE PASS ON THE MESSAGE BUT I DID SEE IT WITH MY OWN EYES. I'M SORRY BUT IT TAKES TIME FOR ME TO BE OKAY.

Don't worry, this is about my family. So, don't worry people.

Labels: fuck emoticonal.

Sister, swensen ice cream or whattttttttt? Did I just heard ice creams? Urgh, if you're going there, please buy me some ice-creams from nearby shops or what. If possible, one tub of peppermint chocolate chip. Thankyou, I love you if you buy me one. *dream on*

I can deny but I love Aqilah so muchhhhhhhhh.

Labels: chicken cutlet with rice.

On the left, I'm with Aqilah, my niece.

Labels: Friday the holiday.

Sorry for the late update,Internet sort like asshole. I won't be updating so often until Internet are back to normal. Hehhhhhh,I have to use other people Internet and good thing its free. My neighbour had just locked his Internet wireless. Awww,so sad,ain't it? But,will try my best to update okay. Love you.

Sometimes,I wonder why do good things end so fast. I don't expect this good things that I had went off just like that. I'm sad yet dissapointed. I don't want goodbye. I wouldn't want to lose a good friend like you. Infact,a good friend like you should exist in my life. Cus,for all the days that we know each other,I've changed into a better someone but I've become weaker the moment I saw you & your new companion. It hurts to see your friend leaves you for another friend. Heck care. Im'ma tissue paper,right? I'm used to it. So,don't care too much about it.

I never wish to be in this kind of situation. BUT,I was pushed in.

Labels: mood like cb

Today,I had my Maths paper one. It was hard but I've already tried my best. I hope tomorrow Maths paper two would be easy for me. You know just now,I'm struggling at most of the Maths questions? What I learnt last night did not really came out in Maths paper one so hopefully, it came out in the paper two.

Urgh,I went to doctor yesterday to check out the red dots that are all over my hands & legs. I thought it was chicken pox & my family scared the shit out of me. I don't want to get chicken pox during exams. Let it be after exams,that would be better. 2 weeks of MC and resting at home while others are at school study their ass off. Heh. But if I missed school,I will missed looking at someone. It's a must okay! -.-

I get bored with,Http://livinginthehurtfultruths.blogspot.com. Can I changed my url? *think think think*

I'm sick with my blogspot. I wanted to use another website of blogging. Any recommendation? :)

I don't know why I hate her so much. I think the word above is the best to describe what I wanted to say it out all this while. But, I don't have the strength. I don't hate that someone without a valid/logic reason. I'm not that type. Don't ask me why, you should ask the one that I hate, why people are hating that someone. There must be a reason behind it. After this, I'm not going to smile like how I used to be.

If you think hating you make you famous and you love it, I shall do it oftenly.

Labels: you may look innocent but actually you're not.

I am still sick & today, I had major headaces until I really could not take it. I took 2 panadols & went to sleep. I'm sorry if I've made so much trouble on saturday. I am really sorry, didn't know that it could be that teruk. I'm so so sorry. I feel so guilty cus I've made all of you worried.

Don't talk about me, talk about you. I do my work but you don't. You were just slacking around like as if everyone/guest had gone back home. I feel so pathetic over there. Moreover, I'm sick. You girls don't know cus I don't want to show it. My mother, my sister know that I'm sick. And I cannot take it but I forced myself to pretend that I'm okay cus I don't want my cousins, aunties, grandma to worry about me. You may think that I'm fine, okay, energy, hyper but actually, I'm not. I'm sick. That was why whenever when I take my food, I can't finished it up. I only finished half of it. Right? :( takmu pikir orang hyper makne tak sakit.

I met someone whom I've never met for almost one year. I think he had made so much changes and I think he's way better now. And, he had found his happiness.

Exams is another 2 more days to go. I have yet to revised my english cus I'll be having my english paper two this monday. Monday! Monday! Monday! Hopefully, I'm not sick so that I can have my tuition early, ends early and sleep and go to dance if there is. I need to exercise cus recently, I've been eating a lot. Before I got sick. So right now, I'm trying to lose weight by sweating. Heh.

I want that sizzling hot red Nokia phone or maybe that funky cool 5800 Nokia phone. If you get me those, I promised, I will love you foreverrrrrrrrrr. tak bedek, betul. If I passed my exams, I would get that phone. [ pray hard for me. ] heh.

Goodbye readers, will update some other time.
I want to sleep cus I need some rest. I love you.